Christmas as a violinist

today is Boxing Day. 26th December 2010. I have live here in this world for more than 21 years to be in exact. Last night's Homily was great. i was too touched. Once again, my hardened evil heart soften to shed some tears. my guitarist, sitting next to me watching and smilling at me. i know one thing, he understands what i've been through. as i fought back tears to smile back, i recall back to my life as the Priest keep on talking about honouring parents & spouses.

i have achieve nothing in life. I am just a very small piece in this world. throughout my childhood, i had been a spoilbrat. i isolate myself in my room whenever some friends or cousins come. i was not a 'people-person'. & i thought i'm always right with extreme stubborness. i'm popular with my sulky face all the time. i had an evil-hard heart.Life had not been easy growing up in my shoes, i realize most of of the time is because there s no fatherly love; but time changes me a lot. Music changes me a lot & got me closer much more closer to God.

My anger, my hurts, pains & unforgiveness side of me slowly vanish. i learnt that the most important thing in life is to learn first to forgive & let go, then move on then be HAPPY gain. it is very important to be renewed again & again. As i played Silent Night & church hymns in church with my little violin last night... i shed more & more tears.. i was not nervous at all..instead, i want to play more & more..it was not enough..

the soft sad tone of strings of violin ringing to my ears & as i close my eyes..tears flow silently..i wiped it quickly before any of the choir members witness it.. most of all, i don't want mama to know i'm suffering emotionally inside. i know i'm much happier now^^ i'm happy that they asked me to play for Christmas this year..i felt blessed^^

my violin..it had been old & dusty as i had not been touching it for years..i stop long time ago as situation doesn't allow me to..that's why my standard is very low..i don't know violin's 2nd & 4th position..i forgot how to hold violin's bow properly..but Thx God..with the help of guitarists & keyboardist.. church's music went pretty well this season^^

i had an aim after several nights of playing.. i wanted another violin..an electrical violin..is there an electrical violin anyway?? i wanted one so much so that it will be easier to play in church.. this time really MY OWN VIOLIN with MY OWN MONEY.. would love to continue Grade 4 but i don't think i have the time..

though, i assume, this will be the very last time i'm playing for Sandakan's Diocese..my hometown..after graduate next year..i don't think i'm coming back to work in Sabah..felt sad suddenly..but life moves on..felt grateful that music band went smooth this season^^TQ SYCC^^

my vegetarian days in Vietnam

Papa & mama have so may problems throughout many years. Mama had been suffocating to bring us up throughout her life. Strong racism in papa's family, though not all of them are racist but it doesn't stop me from hating them since young. Though, my cousins are ok but i never like my aunties. Now, i seldom meet them. i don't mind meeting them but i don't like to meet them actually. i felt fake, plastic when i met them. i felt as if i'm putting on a fake smile. but i know it's all in the past. i want to sincerely forgive & forget; most importantly, i want to learn to let go & move on which turns out to be the hardest thing on earth.No one really understands the way i want to live my life, not even mama.

After uncle passed away, the weirdest thing i felt is. i don't feel sad at all. i don't feel like crying at all. in fact, i felt as if...i don't feel anything. i feel like God should have done the same thing to papa..take him away..forgive him and take him away to heaven..at least he will be happy & peaceful there..at least he won't suffer like how he suffer on earth.

i love papa so much but he is not a human that i'm able to respect. uncle William passed away while i was writting this. i felt like praying but i felt as if i have to finish this. mama & papa rushed to the mortuary while i stayed at home thinking of my final year project.

i don't feel like Christmas. i don't feel like singing carols. i don't feel like doing anything. i wanted to cry but i have no energy to do that, not anymore. i know how weak mama and my sister is. i'm the only one could be strong for them. i had cried silently for years & i have stop. had been a guy icon to my family for so many years. i couldn't break down now & cry.

During my days in Vietnam, i felt good; i felt nice going out of Malaysia for a while. i felt nice eating vege only for days. i felt fresh, beautiful. i felt closer to God. felt nice leaving my lap top, my project behind.. felt good leaving my phones behind..leaving the painful world of Malaysia that i know for 21 years of my life behind..

i had a bruise in my heart..mama as well..a big wound in our hearts that we are trying to let go.. for so many years.. we had a painful childhood..i wish i never come back sometimes.. i love my home..but it is because of love that creates hurt..hurt that is trying to be healed by itself.. i wish i can bring mama somewhere she & i will not suffer anymore..sister had settle down in another land.. i don't want to follow her step..i just need a simple Vietnamese Vegetarian life.

THE SCAR ON MY LOWER RIGHT EYE

All of a sudden, i realize something i never realize before. The scar in my eye. It had a been a year. it can't be seen but once you touch it.You will know it is there. i keep scratching it. Everytime it heals and harden on my skin... i scratch it once again... and once again it bleeds and bruised...i had been doing it the whole year disturbing it from healing itself.

Everytime it turns pinkish to heal...i will touch it...slowly scratch it... and the hardened skin took off once again and bleeds...sounds painful? yup...but i get used to it...

wow...it is just like how we live our lives right? what a good simple example... just like how you have hurt people around you...once you've hurt them...it will take a really long time to move on and be healed... one can never let go... i don't believe in letting go after what Dr Vijay said to me... memories will keep pulling you back...we have to give them time to heal...give them space to harden and took off by itself... just like how i have been scratching and disturbing my scar...i should have let it heal by itself long time ago...but i didn't .. i take a stupid step to keep bleeding it..in the end... it hurt me back...

give them time and space.. it may took months..even years... but be patient..because you love your skin...you love the people around you... let time and space cleanse away the ugly invisible scar.

Love,
Leigh Anne

ANIMAL FARM CHARACTERS

1. NAPOLEON:
The pig who emerges as a leader of Animal Farm after the rebellion.Napoleon uses military force (his nine loyal dogs) to intimidate the other animals and consolidate his power. In his supreme craftiness, Napoleon proves more treacherous than his counterpart Snowball.
2. SNOWBALL
The pig who challenges Napoleon for control of Animal Farm after the rebellion. Snowball is intelligent, passionate, eloquent and less subtle and devious than his counterpart, Napoleon. Snowball seems to win the loyalty of the other animals and cement his power.
3.BOXER
The cart horse whose incredible strength, dedication and loyalty play a key role in the early prosperity of Animal Farm and the later completion of the windmill.

Animal Farm (CHARACTERS)

We were all lead to watch a really interesting cartoon movie known as 'Ánimal Farm'. Gosh, it is such a long story and it took us almost one and a half hour to actually finish watching the cartoon movie itself. I was surprise on how a simple cartoon movie could be inserted to our literature class. It was interesting though, how literature provides surprises and unexpecting situations that one may be able to see. It is amazing though, how a cartoon movie contains so many values, so many tragedies, so many events. I myself love how the story actually leads its amazing way to form so many characters, so many unexpecting events, so many unexpecting situations.



There are various characters that i am able to identify:

1. NAPOLEON:

The big ugly black-chocolate pig which stand out to be the next leader after the rebellion. Unlike his longtime counterpart, Snowball; Napoleon leads and monopoly the animal farm the military way by raising few puppies which all grow to be fierce ugly dogs which are trained by Napoleon to attack. No only, Napoleon hates Snowball, he as well hates the way Snowball handles and monopoly the animal's life in the animal farm.

The murders in the rue morgue (THEMES)

Our test fot the story "murders in the rue morgue"was in an essay form. Basically, there are nothing much we could actually explain about as we didn't really focus on the story itself. Though, lucky us; we manage to get some interesting themes that are related to the story from google search.

The themes that i found quite interesting from the net is:
1. Cunning and cleverness:
Dupin distinguishes himself from the police because, while they are both analytical and cunning in their way, Dupin has the imagination to think outside of conventional assumptions.
Dupin's genius for observation is incompatible with social interaction.He uses human emotion as evidence in his chains of reasoning rather than as a means for bonding with others.

2. Justice and judgement:
Dupin's desicion to take on the case to repay a favor from Le Bon shows that he believes more strongly in honor than in justice.

3. Awe and amazement:
The narrator's astonishment gives a plot level reason for why Dupin needs to talk through his solution carefully and slowly. It signals the readers that they are suppose to similarly in awe of what Dupin is doing. It increases the suspense. The gap between the narrator's understanding and Dupin's keeps us on edge, as we wonder what Dupin knows that the narrator does not know.

The murders in the rue morgue (CHARACTERS)

I was horrified when Mr Saiful actually gives us a test on a story that we never touched before which is "The murders in the rue morgue". None of us in class knows and understand anything about the story. Basically, to admit it; none of us read through it fully. Though, of course as usual; we browse through the internet to get a full vision of what's the story about.

This is what i actually understood about the characters:
1. Monsieur C.Auguste Dupin:
Dupin is like the search engine that picks out what we know when we can't figure it out for ourselves.Dupin comes from a family that has fallen on hard times.He has a private income but still has to live on a tight budget.He doesn't have to work for a living but also doesn't have a social or political obligations of someone from an aristocratic background who still has lots of money.

2. The narrator:
He seems to be an empty character.He appears to spend all his time with Dupin.His sole task in this fictional world seems to be to catalougue everything Dupin says and does. The narrator is like Dupin's cheering section.

3. Ourang-Outang
Ourang-Outang is the most emotional of the emotional-he slashes a woman's throat because she won't let him shave her.

THE BLACK CAT THEMES

I love the story The black cat. it combines both love and hate at the same time. it shows how evil man can be if he or she let their emotion emotionalize them instead of rationalizing themselves. i read through all the answers and texts that i googled through internet. thus, from the information that Encik Saiful gave, the whole class get to understand the black cat in detail.

The very first theme that i could find is:
1. a human being has a perverse, wicked side-another self that can goad him into doing evil things that have no apparent motive. We humans, are born with a "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" thingy inside our souls. we are born and meant to be an angel at times, though sometimes a devil at heart. one could never judge the book by its cover for one will never really know the other party's real self unless one gets to live and really know him or her. I believe in equality in life and i believe in equality in everything that we do. as well as equality in our actions. i believe we are an angel outside most of the time, though sometimes when we are alone; we unconsciously let the devil in our hearts control and monopoly part of us. Just like the narrator for the black cat, he himself could not explained exactly why he wants to murdered both his own beloved wife and pets. anger, hatred and revenge filled him, without sitting down and staying calm for a while to let rationale invade his heart, he let the evil of his anger and hate emotionalize himself by abusing his own beloved. just imagine how one can do such a cruel thing to his or her own beloved family whom he has lived and known for so many years.

2.The second theme that i found which is quite interesting is: Heavy drinking can bring out the worst in a human being.
i can actually relate this to my own father whom is an alchoholic. my sister and i used to hate him to the core. Though, my father didn't really abuse anyone yet him and his teriible attitude had caused a big burden for 22 years of my life. i came from a kind of broken family where mom and dad don't really like to speak with each other. They don't even stay in the same room. my father's stupidity and unchangeable characteristics kills us deep inside every single day. he will come back late at night for at least 3 times a week, drunken and sometimes bruised. he will shout nonsense outside the house to asks for key to get in and neighbours remember us for the stupidity of our father. this can actually be related to the narrator in the black cat, how man can be so evil in the midst of anger, hatred and drunk. Abused, he did to his own beloved wife and pets. one can really forget themselves and let the evil "Mr Hyde" overframe love, overframe their real self. What he did to his wife and pets will one day be judged up there. one will never be able to change if one could not asks for any sincere forgiveness.

These themes really strike me to its core as it really relates a lot about my personal life. i have to admit that i am still struggling to forgive my father and let go of the past. i bet if the cat or the narrator's wife is still alive, she will be struggling as well to forgive her husband. the more you love, the more pain you get. the more you care, the more you get hurt. But love itself is endless, once you love; it is never easy to let go and once the person that u love hurts u to the core, it eats you up inside and one could take years to let go and forgive.

what a beautifull and meaningful story to relate to one's life. Thank you Encik Saiful.^^

THE BLACK CAT

On the first week of our lecture with Mr Saiful, we were asked to categorized to a group of three to four person. We were given our first task of the semester which is to read the short story, The Black Cat and define it. Thus, in a group of three person, we were asked to do a poster , a book coverand present starting for next two weeks onwards. i were paired up with Amin and Hanis.

It was quite satisfying though because both Amin and Hanis are good teammates. Though, we didn't get to really meet up to discuss about our mini project, yet we managed to accomplish and present it. We were the very last group to present.

Hanis is in charge of the design of the book cover. Amin is asked to do the designation of the poster. I am basically the main presenter for the whole presentation as i googled up the characteristics of the black cat, the wife and the murderer. It was really amazing how much information i am able to get due to lack of time and last minute work. Though, because of our determination and hardwork, we the threesome manage to get it done on time.

Here are the characters of the short story: "THE BLACK CAT"
1. Narrator:
The narrator in the story is a violent and abusive man whom was at first described to be an animal-lover. He is an abusive-bully and made home a living hell to his own wife and cat. he made an extreme transformation from being a nice guy to really villain. All good from his personality had been driven out after he killed his wife. He met a second black cat which looks exactly like his very first cat but he hate it to the max.

2. Narrator's wife:
The narrator's wife is described as a loving wife whom is faithful to her husband although the husband had been abusive towards her. although her husband had bullying her but still she stayed with the husband without leaving. This shows how much love she has for her husband.She is kind, loyal and gentle.The narrator makes readers think he is a complete bad guy because of how kind and loving she is. She shuts her mouth when her husband abused her beloved pets.

3. Pluto:
Pluto is the first black cat owned by the narrator and his wife. Pluto is all black, fuzzy and large.Pluto moves from a pampered pet to anabused beast.Pluto loves his owners.Pluto is made believe a symbol of witch from his transformation of being a pampered lovable pet to a total beast.He was hanged to the tree by his owner, the narrator.

4. The second cat:
The second cat looks almost exactly like Pluto. He's big, black and missing an eye.The only difference is the white spot.The spot starts off innocently enough, but then grows into an image of gallows.Readers might think that the second cat is some kind of supernatural version of Pluto.

STRANGER AFTER LOVE

Its strange how i am his total stranger now after all that i have been through together with him in the past. i don't feel like talking to him. not anymore. i don't even feel like looking at him. not because i hate him. not because i am angry. not because i am scared that once again i will fall in love. But because, he hurts me unintentionally everytime he is there.

My roomie told me that i have to face this, face him no matter i like it or not. i have to learn to let go and move on. i am letting go and moving on. but i don't think he is. i could not forget what he told Larissa about the camp. i cant believe he talked bad about President to juniors. i feel like he is forming his own army.

Does he realize what is he doing all this while? just because people are not one of your kind and you forget all the love, all the sacrifices people had done to you. i understand how clement and constance felt that day after all the things they poured out about big boss. but i understand big boss as well and yes i do understand why she acted the way she does all this while. not to hurt or injured anyone, its just the way she is. i worked under her and i was being blamed all the time, getting shouts and cries all the time just because of simple mistake that i had done. But i forgive her, i understand and love her. this, no one can really understand except people whom really knows her. but i do agreed the fact that she has very bad temper.

back to story, i became his stranger, total stranger. he posted:" be with some whom cares about you, not someone whom you wanna care..." yup, he is so right, its true...i should have waken up from start..he is someone that i care and whom i wanted to care so much...he is someone that i thought once is very impportant to me...guys told me lotsa sweet stuff in the past..they still do now...but i don't trust them...not anymore...i bet...he forgotten every single bit of what i had done and said to him???

cannot be together with him doesn't hurt me at all. But the way he treated me like a total stranger and can't even look me in the eye hurt me...pierced me...i felt total isolation..i felt i am being hate because of nothing.. i felt stupid to approach him everytime we didn't talk to each other..i should have just let it be instead of pestering him.. he has a choice to made whether he wants to be my friend or not.. i shouldn't push him..shouldn't pester him..it's his choice if he wanna be himself and not talk to me forever..he doesn't realize..i miss him a lot..as a bro.. he doesn't realize how hurtful it was to me..

I am scared to meet him this coming meeting later on thursday.. he has a bunch of army with him..he thought i know nothing.. they probably are gonna bombard her..i dunno..i am scared to judge..yet i can feel something's gonna happen..

because she's not his circle of army..he put away all the love..Does he realize what he is doing?? i don't even dare to log in facebook sometimes for the fear of seeing his name appearing in my wall..i am scared of him.. scared that he hates me.. hurt..hurtful that he don't realize it.. hurtful that he don't realize what he's doing and gonna do...

i'm not ready to meet him..not after i waken up myself..not after i realize i have been pestering him to do things he doesn't wanna do..not after i realize he is just being himself and all this while in the past i'm trying to change him to somebody that he's not... i've been approaching and yearning on him while he don't care a damn.. he's so important to me while i'm just a rubbish in his life maybe??

if i love him..i should have let him go.. his ego kills me deeply.. after ignoring me 100%..he's not gonna even add me back as friend..our friendship ends..his ego is too high.. i tried my best to humble myself..saying sorry..praying for him n her..sending messages and mails to his JMAIL BOX.. it doesn't work that way..it's not him..

so cruel to me.. he won't realize.. i cried so many times..i'm so tired.. he doesn't even wanna mend this friendship.. i'm wasting my time on people who doesn't care about me at all..

i'm wasting my energy.. but still..he will always be my dear mortal..i will always pray for u..i love u dear bro.

The room mate issue

I have decided not to frust myself because of a very small thing. i can do nothing much except trying my best to tolerate with it. this is not easy, a table lamp is meant to be switch on to study.i don't see any wrong in switching it on whenever i like. she have to learn to get use to it. this is a different stage of life right now.

Jesus help me not to be angry and help me to forgive because i love her. i disagree and was upset by the fact that she post it on my wall. not just it sounded and look like i have issues with her but it seems like i am a burden to her.

well, the least i could do is to study at other place.which is not easy as she sleeps early and woke up late. she thinks too much. i am not tension at all. mouthing the truth is much better than posting it. i learnt my lesson after having a bad period with one of my closest friend just because of some stupid phrase i posted just for fun.

no matter what gluttony or anything that eats u up inside.. always learn to tolerate..always learn to forgive..always learn to forgive and let go..always learn to love^^

my room mates..i love them all^^

PRAYERS ANSWERED FOR HIM & HER

My president told me that the one way to forget and let a person go is to first dislike the person. i can't. i'm unable to do that.to feel that. not to him.especially him. the fact that i really love him. i'm not in-love. i just love him. the more he ignores me, the more hope seems to fade, the more i love him.

I used to have a plan. to pray and fast for him and her till the day they get back together. i guess they really did?? which i'm grateful that God answered my prayers^^ not one week,nor it is two weeks;but for two whole months i have been repeating and doing the same routine everyday without fail.

No meat, no chocolates consume. mama was frustrated by the way i eat.no one knows i'm fasting for them. no one knows the purpose of my fast. i'm not embarrassed but i know people will think i'm stupid. i did it God because i love YOU and because i love him. i dare not tell.

Gradually, things began to change.. from an 'angel' of his..i become just a 'friend', a 'sister'. i knew something is happenning. to him and her. things might be better gradually for them. i know gradually God is answering my prayers. i am glad. i tried to give my fullest effort in helping him.praying day and night just for them. asking constantly whether she and him is ok. i just want them to smile and be happy again.

sometimes i cried, i can feel his pain. i know Holy Spirit is guiding me to guide them and lead them. though at the same time, i know God is gradually trying to tell me the more i help the more i have to let him go and set them free. surrender them back to the Lord. though i can't. i cared 'bout him.cared bout them. a lot.

the way he texts me changed gradually. i didn't tell. and i dare not asks. i used to be his 'angel'. but not now.not anymore. i have to surrender him back to You Lord. i havve break the rules. by falling in love with him. i wish to read the book i gave him. wish i could know what happen to the book, the discs, the little notes that i gave him?? he must have deleted everything and thrown everything?? though no matter what happens, i care and love him.

He hurt me. unintentionally. after all that i had done to pull himself back.forgiven him for what he had called me.pray that they will be back together. pray for him. he doesn't wanna talk to me. refuse to even look me in the eye. he's shy. my sacrifices till my period cycle is extremely abnormal..no single soul can understand.

i cried.again.this time.hard.

he didn't talk to me. no he didn't. not until i approach him myself. not until i texted and tried to look at him. i don't feel the same. not anymore. though i know one thing for sure^^ God must have answered my prayers^^

i removed him not because of jealousy. though he doesn't believe me. i removed him because i am not suppose to fall in love. i am not suppose to keep checking on him. but not anymore. i don't want to be his burden anymore. nor do i wanna disturb or impose his life.

i miss texting him motivational messages every morning.miss the way he will reply thank you everytime.though i can't do it anymore. i'm scare of him. the way he acts when he's around me. not only he seems angry with me. i am annoying to him. he will look at everyone except me. talk to everyone except me.

i know i have to let him go. surrender him back to you O LORD. My job has done. i don't know how is he right now.i never bother to know for weeks. he should be happier.without me, he should be happier^^ i'm grateful that YOU give YOUR blessings to him Lord.^^

I pray that You Lord will pour out Your love to him and her^^.pull them closer to each other. give him the best Lord.^^AMEN

10 things that i wish to do before i die

1. Get a secure job,enough money and bring mama around the world (especially going back to hometown=Shenzhen,China & Hong Kong)
REASONING: it's her dream & i love her

2. Tell my dad face-to-face that i love him. REASONING: I forgive him for the past,let go of what he had done; though i don't have the guts.

3. wanna be sister's bridesmaid. sing to her on her wedding night. REASONING: just because i love her.

4. Get married with the one i love by walking down the aisle in father's hand. with witness by beloved friends and especially aunt Suzanna, my coursemates, roommates & CSSUPMers.

5. climb Mount Kinabalu. REASONING: A must for every Sabahans

6. Try to be a nun for at least 3 days.

7. Contribute in Old Folks Home & Orphanage

8. Help the helpless & needy

9. Give love, and more love to people around me. (It is never enough)

10. Kiss a girl

This is actually an individual homework from the course BBI3213 Speech Communication (Dr Vijay Kumar)

i wanna be rationale again^^

After 2 years of wating and praying patiently for things to get back right on track..at last..he talk to me..not just a talk but of a chat like last time that we used to have^^

i'm so happy with him..so happy with this brother whom i used to love deeply.. used to be my best friend..used to be my very soulmate that i will pour out every single thing..for he will always be there..

we used to love..
then we hate..
then we love again...
it had been an extreme struggle to me..especially we meet each other almost everyday..
same group in same class..
same gang of friends..

things don't go well between us..
of not the same religion..not the same race..
fof not getting family's approval..
it was so hard..
i flunk... failed.. n fall lots of times..
cried in hell of times for nights in 3-4 months time..

things had not been too well to me.. i don't really understand him..
i just hated him too much that time..

though right now at this moment that i'm sitting right here with my roommate,Elaine...in McD..
i got to understand lotsa things that we are unable to push in life.. especially love..
for twice i have been in an unrequited love.. this recent one is the hardest for me.. extremely hard for me.. he's just some normal guy..extreme normal guy yet i just love him so much..

i dunno why..

but i'm happy..^^ i'm happy for this ex guy.. i'm proud of him^^ at last he have the guts to talk to me..after suffering emotionally for 2 years^^ it's never easy..
been struggling to keep myself busy to not to think of him..

it's HARD
painful...
extreme pain when u see him..
u wish u never know him..

but now i truly understand^^ God give me life..which is the most important thing^^ He wants me to struggle and learn^^

I am so scared to fall in love again... it strikes to my heart... i hope i never will fall in love again.my life depended on it a lot this few years..n i just hated how irrationale i am..just hated how stupid i was..hated how immature i was..hated how i let it control me..

i wanna be rationale again^^ forget everything and be rationale again^^ it's my final year in university & i'm not gonna let anything ruin it^^

i wanna be rationale again^^

Inception

I was totally excited by the fact that my junior in university offers me a second chance to watch Inception. Again, its extremely thrilling and exciting. I LOVE IT though I AM CONFUSED.
Inception, it means the start of an institution or an organization from the oxford Dictionary. Though it seems as the meaning conveys more than that.

Dream vs Reality
Most of us for sure would surely choose to be in reality?? do they??do you?? it's just by coincidence and automatically common sense saying that one would surely choose to be in reality rather than our so-called beautiful dream.

Yes, i have watch one of the best movie for this year of 2010.Thx to coursemates n my junior.. Gonna dedicate this link to my dearie junior Susantih to help her out for the criticism assignment. Hope it helps^^http://www.collider.com/2010/07/16/inception-review-christopher-nolan-leonardo-dicaprio/

truthfully, there's one big thing i learn from this movie which really catches my breath and stop me thinking right there. DO STOP DREAMING AND GET YOUR CEREBRUMS & HEARTS BACK TO REALITY. for not only it will kill you gradually. You will lose YOURSELF.

Big thx to this movie^^ and yes, no doubt, all this while i have been in this stupid dream of mine. dreaming & hoping for somebody, something that i knew would not happen. i should have waken up in the first place where i knew the truth. but i didn't.. i led myself to dream within the next dream & the next next dream.. it's time to wake up..it's time for a change..those illusion..they are just your own projection.

Dogs have souls

I had a stupid debate with a friend of mine after his 7 year-old dog died. a really stupid debate. i guess he must be angry with me. i don't even know why i am just so busybody. Who is he to me? And why do i have to care so much?

After doggie died for four years of his life. i was totally saddened. Angry. Fear. Empty. Sudden death he went through after some stupid drunken guy drove over him. I lost my best friend. Fot one whole week..i didn't want to go out of my house..nor do i wanna eat..drink..i don't have any appetite at all..

Back in university.. this close friend of mine asked me what are the very first thing i will do when i get back home..there's only one thing in my mind... TO BATH MY DOGGIE & lead him for a walk..

He used to lick me to wake me up early in the morning at 6 a.m for a morning walk.. yes..he licked me a lot.. i know deep inside he loves me.. not a single soul may understand this bond..

my friend told me one morning he's bringing his doggie out for a walk.. i cried.. i cried like hell i cry.. i can't stop as my eyes hurt..it hurts that much till tha extend i can't even get out of my house.. i am too embarrased with myself.. my eyes sore.. i stayed in bed the whole day..

though, i tried to get up.. i know it's his time..Life will constantly grasp away things that belongs to you..but God..instead of giving what i want back to me..i know that one day..He will give me back what i need..

nope..my friend do not believe it when i told him i dreamt my doggie says i love u and asks him to wipe away his tears.. he told me that animals do not have souls.. i am saddened by his statement.. i am not satisfied.. i am so angry.. i told him that his dog is peering down on him from heaven that one day u will not miss him anymore..but his memories..his bark..will always,forever takes place in his heart.. instead of consoling him..i push him to stand strong..explain again to him that his dog needs to go back "home"..where someone over there will take good care of him and doggie will keep an eye on him.. i guess..he don't believe me.. nope he will never believe me.. he was extra saddened by what i said..

MY PROOF:

http://www-hsc.usc.edu/~cypert/dick/inheaven.html

I wanna say a big thanks to my bestie...steph for her answer... Joseph bro my veterinar friend for his opinion as well..

Though most of all..i wanna thank Rufina my dearie junior for lending her ear^^

To this friend of mine..u know who u are.. no doubt u are smarter than me.. no doubt..animal-knowledge i may not know & understand like u do..i am nothing compare to u.. but there is one thing i hold strongly onto in life..I BELIEVE..& it suffice..

I know it's hard to let go of ur loved ones.. especially him whom have been with you for so many years..but he need to go back home.. i just hope & pray that u will one day understand.. & stand strong..wipe away the tears and let him smile because he loves u & is peering at u from heaven^^

RIP doggie..i can't forget..how cruel the driver..the car is..how ur blood..ur flesh.. gosh..in front of my naked eyes.. i can't forget how u suffer..

I used to love purple, but not now; not anymore

My former room mate back in Kuantan had been pouring out what had been inside her for such a long time. i had been missing her dearly. To the extend that i wanna tell her everything, though distance & time do not allow us to do so.

We used to share lotsa things that others can't share. We know basically every little thing about each other. Yes we are of two different backgrounds, two different kind of girl. But there is one thing we always share and always will i cherish forever. We share the same God, same faith, same love^^

The moment i step my foot out of Kuantan, i have made up my mind; there are things that i really wanna change in life though i have no clue how it is suppose to be.

Let's write a rhyme of poem out of it:

i used to love purple, i really do
but not now, not anymore
i used to love the things we did with them, i guess u know what i mean
but not now, not anymore

i used to love him, i really do
but not now, not anymore
i used to think in my own shell, my own comfort zone
but not now, not anymore

i guess only u & i will be able to understand
they told me i change, an extreme change
but then i told them i didn't change at all, not a bit

i don't like how i used to be in Kuantan,
doing evil things that are against my faith
i don't like how i am controlled by him, u know what i mean

i regretted what i did, confessions i did
but time really heals
i made up my mind...
i don't wanna go back...
nor do i wanna dwell in the past..

But my dearie girl, we are not immature anymore like how we used to be..
back in those days..
yes u & i change a lot..
but one thing for sure..
i know..we change to be a better person in God's name..
& i like how the way it is now..

my dearie girl, i believe u are a gift from God to me..
u are a miracle that i prayed before we even met..
believe me..
they may not understand.. but i don't care..as long as u & i & God understand..
we know our paths that we are doing it right..

so do not be afraid to take any step..
for God is watching over u..
He will keep an eye on u..u are the cross that He is carrying..

Though i love u too much to tell u this..
i cherish all the moments i had in Kuantan..especially with u..
for it's true what they said that i changed.. yes i did.. but change to be more of me than i used to be..u too i believe^^

He still love me..
He still love u..
u & i know..
but it's a wrong kind of love..
we let the evil control us..
i hope they change.. but i am glad u did^^

Love is just patient & kind
Love is not selfish
Love is altruistic..
u & i know what it means..
i can only pray..that always u will be..strong enough for him & her..
God wants u to be that way..

And to the end of days i will always keep an eye on u..
we learnt a lot don't we?
at least we get to learn from our mistake of evil love..
though the best part is..we get to fall in love again^^
it's painful i know..but at least we know now deep inside this is the right one..
for i used to love purple, but not now, not anymore^^

(Dedicated to Dorine Patrick, Lots of Love from former room mate)
P.S: I would as well like to dedicate this to two guys that i used to know,u know who u are, i hope they change in God's name, i really do.

Amazing sisterly love

Days ago, a good friend of mine asks me whether i will be scare if my sister gets married or have a partner in her life. will i feel like i won't be able to get more love & attention like i used to have??

Truthfully, i do not have any clue of how to explain to her. i deeply know what she is going through as her sister is getting married soon. As days passed i begin to feel guilty, not only for her but for my sister as well... ...

AMAZING SISTERLY LOVE
sister, they told me is whom u pour out everything
sister, they told me is whom will take care of u through thick & thin..
sister, the one great amazing love that u can get from someone u have live the rest of ur life with.

sometimes u get angry..
sometimes u fear..
sometime u get jealous of her..

sometimes there is unfairness..
where God put u to test..
but yet i know deep inside.. i love her..

u are mean
sometimes nasty
sometimes immature
other times u make me laugh ..
but most of the time u make me angry..

yet i know deep inside..i love her..
cruel it is the world today..where demons & devils serparate us away..

do u remember once when we were young??
beneath green boughs which faded long ago..
we played hopscotch there by the field..
where we will get wounds & injuries that leave us scars that cannot be heal??
& mama will always look us wide in the eye & angry she will be to u & I..

do u remember once when we were young??
when old cassette tapes are still available??
& angels demons we never fear??
u are always the tall slim pretty while i will always stay chubby ..
i used to hate it that way sis..
i hate it when they compaare..
i hate it when i am jealous of u..
in terms of talent & looks..i am never gonna be like u..

yet as we grew older..
when we turn our heads & leave our souls there in Sandakan..
the place where we were once bred..nourish & cared..
missing mama everyday have always been a routine..
but i never thought i will miss u..
never thought i will change..& here it goes i truly love u..

yes dear sis.. people still compare until now when decades pass to form wrinkles in the eyes..
the way they look at you & i..
i know they are assuming..things they do not know deep inside..
where u are tall n i m short..
u look chinese while i m not..
u are fair & i m not..

that is all they know..
but we know deep inside..we are biological sisters at heart..
not just externally..
we share the same blood..
share the same name..
most of all..we share the same God same love^^

there i told the friend of mine..
"not at all i will get jealous or fear that i will lost thee attention or love from my beloved sister.. in fact, i feel extremely happy for her..that she found the one..i am not scare that i will lose her love.. i am more scare that she will get hurt because i love her.."

Love i told her.. is altruistic..
i love her & there will i be one day on the day she become an aide to her man witnessing her to begin a new partition of her life..
officially she will be leaving home to call another home her home..
but here mama & i will always be cheering & supporting internally..
happy tears we want to witness one day..not the tears of pain..

i put her needs above my needs because i love her..
once again i told my friend..
if we love them we have to set them free..
because it is an amazing sisterly love^^

(Dedicated to Janice Gimbad, from your biological sister & sister at heart)

Set love free

my room mate asks me questions about love that i am unable to make her understand because experiences she may have not been through. Days after that, my former room mate tells me a sad love story that i suddenly jot down to create as a simple poem.It reminds me of someone as i fell in love again.

Love is blind, but it is patient & kind.
Love is not jealous, nor is it conceited,
Love is not boastful.

Love is painful but memorable,
Love hates the evil & only are happy with the truth;
Love can make u smile as well as does it makes u cry.

Love, it is so hard to find..
but once u get trap into Love..
u can never let go..
there it will be crawling & linger around ur life..

Love is beautiful
Love is altruistic
It is amazingly beautiful..but one thing for sure.. it pierce u deeply once u have to let it go..

Never can u imagine, u could fell in love again..
this time it is different..he is different..
it feels different..
sacrifices u made for him..teardrops u shed..
but he never know.. it kills u inside gradually

His egoism is so high,
it almost touches the sky;
and it kills u inside.
The sharpness of the blade hurt u piercingly,
he did it again unintentionally by making u cry.
it is hard to wake up from this stupid dream we have.
of all the things u have sacrifice to care & nourish him,
A gift of a sharp knife is the only present he could give to u.

u thought he is different,
but he is just a mirror of the devils whom did the same to u.

but dearest whom i cherish,
love is just patient & kind, it is not hateful nor it is boastful;
it is painful & stupid when we love,
but it is worth it, the sacrifice;
because at least we get to love,
at least we know now, how painful it is, we learn..to set love free.

(Dedicated to Elaine Teh, Lots of love from former room mate)