my vegetarian days in Vietnam

Papa & mama have so may problems throughout many years. Mama had been suffocating to bring us up throughout her life. Strong racism in papa's family, though not all of them are racist but it doesn't stop me from hating them since young. Though, my cousins are ok but i never like my aunties. Now, i seldom meet them. i don't mind meeting them but i don't like to meet them actually. i felt fake, plastic when i met them. i felt as if i'm putting on a fake smile. but i know it's all in the past. i want to sincerely forgive & forget; most importantly, i want to learn to let go & move on which turns out to be the hardest thing on earth.No one really understands the way i want to live my life, not even mama.

After uncle passed away, the weirdest thing i felt is. i don't feel sad at all. i don't feel like crying at all. in fact, i felt as if...i don't feel anything. i feel like God should have done the same thing to papa..take him away..forgive him and take him away to heaven..at least he will be happy & peaceful there..at least he won't suffer like how he suffer on earth.

i love papa so much but he is not a human that i'm able to respect. uncle William passed away while i was writting this. i felt like praying but i felt as if i have to finish this. mama & papa rushed to the mortuary while i stayed at home thinking of my final year project.

i don't feel like Christmas. i don't feel like singing carols. i don't feel like doing anything. i wanted to cry but i have no energy to do that, not anymore. i know how weak mama and my sister is. i'm the only one could be strong for them. i had cried silently for years & i have stop. had been a guy icon to my family for so many years. i couldn't break down now & cry.

During my days in Vietnam, i felt good; i felt nice going out of Malaysia for a while. i felt nice eating vege only for days. i felt fresh, beautiful. i felt closer to God. felt nice leaving my lap top, my project behind.. felt good leaving my phones behind..leaving the painful world of Malaysia that i know for 21 years of my life behind..

i had a bruise in my heart..mama as well..a big wound in our hearts that we are trying to let go.. for so many years.. we had a painful childhood..i wish i never come back sometimes.. i love my home..but it is because of love that creates hurt..hurt that is trying to be healed by itself.. i wish i can bring mama somewhere she & i will not suffer anymore..sister had settle down in another land.. i don't want to follow her step..i just need a simple Vietnamese Vegetarian life.