Christmas as a violinist

today is Boxing Day. 26th December 2010. I have live here in this world for more than 21 years to be in exact. Last night's Homily was great. i was too touched. Once again, my hardened evil heart soften to shed some tears. my guitarist, sitting next to me watching and smilling at me. i know one thing, he understands what i've been through. as i fought back tears to smile back, i recall back to my life as the Priest keep on talking about honouring parents & spouses.

i have achieve nothing in life. I am just a very small piece in this world. throughout my childhood, i had been a spoilbrat. i isolate myself in my room whenever some friends or cousins come. i was not a 'people-person'. & i thought i'm always right with extreme stubborness. i'm popular with my sulky face all the time. i had an evil-hard heart.Life had not been easy growing up in my shoes, i realize most of of the time is because there s no fatherly love; but time changes me a lot. Music changes me a lot & got me closer much more closer to God.

My anger, my hurts, pains & unforgiveness side of me slowly vanish. i learnt that the most important thing in life is to learn first to forgive & let go, then move on then be HAPPY gain. it is very important to be renewed again & again. As i played Silent Night & church hymns in church with my little violin last night... i shed more & more tears.. i was not nervous at all..instead, i want to play more & more..it was not enough..

the soft sad tone of strings of violin ringing to my ears & as i close my eyes..tears flow silently..i wiped it quickly before any of the choir members witness it.. most of all, i don't want mama to know i'm suffering emotionally inside. i know i'm much happier now^^ i'm happy that they asked me to play for Christmas this year..i felt blessed^^

my violin..it had been old & dusty as i had not been touching it for years..i stop long time ago as situation doesn't allow me to..that's why my standard is very low..i don't know violin's 2nd & 4th position..i forgot how to hold violin's bow properly..but Thx God..with the help of guitarists & keyboardist.. church's music went pretty well this season^^

i had an aim after several nights of playing.. i wanted another violin..an electrical violin..is there an electrical violin anyway?? i wanted one so much so that it will be easier to play in church.. this time really MY OWN VIOLIN with MY OWN MONEY.. would love to continue Grade 4 but i don't think i have the time..

though, i assume, this will be the very last time i'm playing for Sandakan's Diocese..my hometown..after graduate next year..i don't think i'm coming back to work in Sabah..felt sad suddenly..but life moves on..felt grateful that music band went smooth this season^^TQ SYCC^^

my vegetarian days in Vietnam

Papa & mama have so may problems throughout many years. Mama had been suffocating to bring us up throughout her life. Strong racism in papa's family, though not all of them are racist but it doesn't stop me from hating them since young. Though, my cousins are ok but i never like my aunties. Now, i seldom meet them. i don't mind meeting them but i don't like to meet them actually. i felt fake, plastic when i met them. i felt as if i'm putting on a fake smile. but i know it's all in the past. i want to sincerely forgive & forget; most importantly, i want to learn to let go & move on which turns out to be the hardest thing on earth.No one really understands the way i want to live my life, not even mama.

After uncle passed away, the weirdest thing i felt is. i don't feel sad at all. i don't feel like crying at all. in fact, i felt as if...i don't feel anything. i feel like God should have done the same thing to papa..take him away..forgive him and take him away to heaven..at least he will be happy & peaceful there..at least he won't suffer like how he suffer on earth.

i love papa so much but he is not a human that i'm able to respect. uncle William passed away while i was writting this. i felt like praying but i felt as if i have to finish this. mama & papa rushed to the mortuary while i stayed at home thinking of my final year project.

i don't feel like Christmas. i don't feel like singing carols. i don't feel like doing anything. i wanted to cry but i have no energy to do that, not anymore. i know how weak mama and my sister is. i'm the only one could be strong for them. i had cried silently for years & i have stop. had been a guy icon to my family for so many years. i couldn't break down now & cry.

During my days in Vietnam, i felt good; i felt nice going out of Malaysia for a while. i felt nice eating vege only for days. i felt fresh, beautiful. i felt closer to God. felt nice leaving my lap top, my project behind.. felt good leaving my phones behind..leaving the painful world of Malaysia that i know for 21 years of my life behind..

i had a bruise in my heart..mama as well..a big wound in our hearts that we are trying to let go.. for so many years.. we had a painful childhood..i wish i never come back sometimes.. i love my home..but it is because of love that creates hurt..hurt that is trying to be healed by itself.. i wish i can bring mama somewhere she & i will not suffer anymore..sister had settle down in another land.. i don't want to follow her step..i just need a simple Vietnamese Vegetarian life.