Christmas as a violinist

today is Boxing Day. 26th December 2010. I have live here in this world for more than 21 years to be in exact. Last night's Homily was great. i was too touched. Once again, my hardened evil heart soften to shed some tears. my guitarist, sitting next to me watching and smilling at me. i know one thing, he understands what i've been through. as i fought back tears to smile back, i recall back to my life as the Priest keep on talking about honouring parents & spouses.

i have achieve nothing in life. I am just a very small piece in this world. throughout my childhood, i had been a spoilbrat. i isolate myself in my room whenever some friends or cousins come. i was not a 'people-person'. & i thought i'm always right with extreme stubborness. i'm popular with my sulky face all the time. i had an evil-hard heart.Life had not been easy growing up in my shoes, i realize most of of the time is because there s no fatherly love; but time changes me a lot. Music changes me a lot & got me closer much more closer to God.

My anger, my hurts, pains & unforgiveness side of me slowly vanish. i learnt that the most important thing in life is to learn first to forgive & let go, then move on then be HAPPY gain. it is very important to be renewed again & again. As i played Silent Night & church hymns in church with my little violin last night... i shed more & more tears.. i was not nervous at all..instead, i want to play more & more..it was not enough..

the soft sad tone of strings of violin ringing to my ears & as i close my eyes..tears flow silently..i wiped it quickly before any of the choir members witness it.. most of all, i don't want mama to know i'm suffering emotionally inside. i know i'm much happier now^^ i'm happy that they asked me to play for Christmas this year..i felt blessed^^

my violin..it had been old & dusty as i had not been touching it for years..i stop long time ago as situation doesn't allow me to..that's why my standard is very low..i don't know violin's 2nd & 4th position..i forgot how to hold violin's bow properly..but Thx God..with the help of guitarists & keyboardist.. church's music went pretty well this season^^

i had an aim after several nights of playing.. i wanted another violin..an electrical violin..is there an electrical violin anyway?? i wanted one so much so that it will be easier to play in church.. this time really MY OWN VIOLIN with MY OWN MONEY.. would love to continue Grade 4 but i don't think i have the time..

though, i assume, this will be the very last time i'm playing for Sandakan's Diocese..my hometown..after graduate next year..i don't think i'm coming back to work in Sabah..felt sad suddenly..but life moves on..felt grateful that music band went smooth this season^^TQ SYCC^^

my vegetarian days in Vietnam

Papa & mama have so may problems throughout many years. Mama had been suffocating to bring us up throughout her life. Strong racism in papa's family, though not all of them are racist but it doesn't stop me from hating them since young. Though, my cousins are ok but i never like my aunties. Now, i seldom meet them. i don't mind meeting them but i don't like to meet them actually. i felt fake, plastic when i met them. i felt as if i'm putting on a fake smile. but i know it's all in the past. i want to sincerely forgive & forget; most importantly, i want to learn to let go & move on which turns out to be the hardest thing on earth.No one really understands the way i want to live my life, not even mama.

After uncle passed away, the weirdest thing i felt is. i don't feel sad at all. i don't feel like crying at all. in fact, i felt as if...i don't feel anything. i feel like God should have done the same thing to papa..take him away..forgive him and take him away to heaven..at least he will be happy & peaceful there..at least he won't suffer like how he suffer on earth.

i love papa so much but he is not a human that i'm able to respect. uncle William passed away while i was writting this. i felt like praying but i felt as if i have to finish this. mama & papa rushed to the mortuary while i stayed at home thinking of my final year project.

i don't feel like Christmas. i don't feel like singing carols. i don't feel like doing anything. i wanted to cry but i have no energy to do that, not anymore. i know how weak mama and my sister is. i'm the only one could be strong for them. i had cried silently for years & i have stop. had been a guy icon to my family for so many years. i couldn't break down now & cry.

During my days in Vietnam, i felt good; i felt nice going out of Malaysia for a while. i felt nice eating vege only for days. i felt fresh, beautiful. i felt closer to God. felt nice leaving my lap top, my project behind.. felt good leaving my phones behind..leaving the painful world of Malaysia that i know for 21 years of my life behind..

i had a bruise in my heart..mama as well..a big wound in our hearts that we are trying to let go.. for so many years.. we had a painful childhood..i wish i never come back sometimes.. i love my home..but it is because of love that creates hurt..hurt that is trying to be healed by itself.. i wish i can bring mama somewhere she & i will not suffer anymore..sister had settle down in another land.. i don't want to follow her step..i just need a simple Vietnamese Vegetarian life.

THE SCAR ON MY LOWER RIGHT EYE

All of a sudden, i realize something i never realize before. The scar in my eye. It had a been a year. it can't be seen but once you touch it.You will know it is there. i keep scratching it. Everytime it heals and harden on my skin... i scratch it once again... and once again it bleeds and bruised...i had been doing it the whole year disturbing it from healing itself.

Everytime it turns pinkish to heal...i will touch it...slowly scratch it... and the hardened skin took off once again and bleeds...sounds painful? yup...but i get used to it...

wow...it is just like how we live our lives right? what a good simple example... just like how you have hurt people around you...once you've hurt them...it will take a really long time to move on and be healed... one can never let go... i don't believe in letting go after what Dr Vijay said to me... memories will keep pulling you back...we have to give them time to heal...give them space to harden and took off by itself... just like how i have been scratching and disturbing my scar...i should have let it heal by itself long time ago...but i didn't .. i take a stupid step to keep bleeding it..in the end... it hurt me back...

give them time and space.. it may took months..even years... but be patient..because you love your skin...you love the people around you... let time and space cleanse away the ugly invisible scar.

Love,
Leigh Anne

ANIMAL FARM CHARACTERS

1. NAPOLEON:
The pig who emerges as a leader of Animal Farm after the rebellion.Napoleon uses military force (his nine loyal dogs) to intimidate the other animals and consolidate his power. In his supreme craftiness, Napoleon proves more treacherous than his counterpart Snowball.
2. SNOWBALL
The pig who challenges Napoleon for control of Animal Farm after the rebellion. Snowball is intelligent, passionate, eloquent and less subtle and devious than his counterpart, Napoleon. Snowball seems to win the loyalty of the other animals and cement his power.
3.BOXER
The cart horse whose incredible strength, dedication and loyalty play a key role in the early prosperity of Animal Farm and the later completion of the windmill.

Animal Farm (CHARACTERS)

We were all lead to watch a really interesting cartoon movie known as 'Ánimal Farm'. Gosh, it is such a long story and it took us almost one and a half hour to actually finish watching the cartoon movie itself. I was surprise on how a simple cartoon movie could be inserted to our literature class. It was interesting though, how literature provides surprises and unexpecting situations that one may be able to see. It is amazing though, how a cartoon movie contains so many values, so many tragedies, so many events. I myself love how the story actually leads its amazing way to form so many characters, so many unexpecting events, so many unexpecting situations.



There are various characters that i am able to identify:

1. NAPOLEON:

The big ugly black-chocolate pig which stand out to be the next leader after the rebellion. Unlike his longtime counterpart, Snowball; Napoleon leads and monopoly the animal farm the military way by raising few puppies which all grow to be fierce ugly dogs which are trained by Napoleon to attack. No only, Napoleon hates Snowball, he as well hates the way Snowball handles and monopoly the animal's life in the animal farm.

The murders in the rue morgue (THEMES)

Our test fot the story "murders in the rue morgue"was in an essay form. Basically, there are nothing much we could actually explain about as we didn't really focus on the story itself. Though, lucky us; we manage to get some interesting themes that are related to the story from google search.

The themes that i found quite interesting from the net is:
1. Cunning and cleverness:
Dupin distinguishes himself from the police because, while they are both analytical and cunning in their way, Dupin has the imagination to think outside of conventional assumptions.
Dupin's genius for observation is incompatible with social interaction.He uses human emotion as evidence in his chains of reasoning rather than as a means for bonding with others.

2. Justice and judgement:
Dupin's desicion to take on the case to repay a favor from Le Bon shows that he believes more strongly in honor than in justice.

3. Awe and amazement:
The narrator's astonishment gives a plot level reason for why Dupin needs to talk through his solution carefully and slowly. It signals the readers that they are suppose to similarly in awe of what Dupin is doing. It increases the suspense. The gap between the narrator's understanding and Dupin's keeps us on edge, as we wonder what Dupin knows that the narrator does not know.

The murders in the rue morgue (CHARACTERS)

I was horrified when Mr Saiful actually gives us a test on a story that we never touched before which is "The murders in the rue morgue". None of us in class knows and understand anything about the story. Basically, to admit it; none of us read through it fully. Though, of course as usual; we browse through the internet to get a full vision of what's the story about.

This is what i actually understood about the characters:
1. Monsieur C.Auguste Dupin:
Dupin is like the search engine that picks out what we know when we can't figure it out for ourselves.Dupin comes from a family that has fallen on hard times.He has a private income but still has to live on a tight budget.He doesn't have to work for a living but also doesn't have a social or political obligations of someone from an aristocratic background who still has lots of money.

2. The narrator:
He seems to be an empty character.He appears to spend all his time with Dupin.His sole task in this fictional world seems to be to catalougue everything Dupin says and does. The narrator is like Dupin's cheering section.

3. Ourang-Outang
Ourang-Outang is the most emotional of the emotional-he slashes a woman's throat because she won't let him shave her.